There is a spirit of change moving within me. I can feel it and I can see it moving me. Every time I feel that I am done changing for the moment, that I can take a rest, I feel it push me further. This change has been brought on much by things such as working too much, my wife’s recent hospital visit, my baby boy soon to come on the way. Before these, I was satisfied with being lukewarm. I was satisfied with monotony and regularity.
Being lukewarm is a strange thing. At times, I want to follow my instincts, my flesh and do whatever my body tells me to do. If I do, I am no greater than an animal and my decisions are no more moral. However, I lack the closeness to God that confirms in my soul that yes, there is a God and I am seeking him…I am in his will. Being lukewarm is agonizing and I can’t stand it.
But now, my soul hungers for more. I yearn to know the God that I have just barely started to truly love even more. I desire to push the boundaries of “religiousness” and move into fullness of life in Christ. I don’t care if people think I’m a freak. I see this book called the Bible and I have to ask myself. Is it really the truth that it talks about? After all, I can’t justify my faith upon another’s beliefs, I must seek God on my own. If the Bible is not truth, well then maybe I am left with doing a few good deeds for nothing, except the good that it may have caused others.
My friends say, “Rogie you are a purist”, “Rogie, I love God too”, “Rogie, you are a Bible thumper”, “Rogie, let it go, you are searching too hard”. The problem is, they don’t know either. They have shared no profound experience or firmly grounded faith to share with me, so I press on. I press on to know Jesus Christ even more than I have ever known. I must push to feel God, to see God work. I can’t help but ask myself, If I believe in an omnipotent God and this God is real, then what is it that seperates me from seeing his power, miracles and healing? I believe the answer is me. It’s my fault.
I am exactly what I want to be, regardless of my words. My faith is exactly where I want it. My acts of kindness, even if I want to do more, is precisely at the level that I have conciously placed it. I am what I am today because thats what I have decided.
I am tired of talk. I am tired of hearing myself say that I will change, that I will do more, that I will be kinder or help my fellow human more, that I will tell the Gospel of Christ and how it has changed my life to more people, etc. However cliche, talk is cheap and I believe the same is true to God. Talk is cheap to God. Judgement is cheap. Actions are what matters, and I believe that salvation is not by works, but by faith, however faith is not faith without the fruit of it, which is good works.
So long, I have been afraid, or better yet, I have been ashamed of telling my faith. I think my ashamedness was for a good reason too. I didn’t believe it truly inside until lately, when I look back and see how God has changed my life for the good. Now, I feel God’s spirit. I feel it within his believers and I love it. I am growing to a point where I am not ashamed of the Gospel of Christ.
I have never been the kind to impose my beliefs on others, but if you are reading this, realize that friends do not hold back what they believe to be true, even if it causes you upset. Also, realize that the world is full of misunderstandings, generalities, blanket-statments, and stereotypes. I almost didn’t follow Christianity because of a stereotype. I am glad I didn’t take that stereotype as truth and decided to follow on my own.