There is a spirit of change moving within me. I can feel it and I can see it moving me. Every time I feel that I am done changing for the moment, that I can take a rest, I feel it push me further. This change has been brought on much by things such as working too much, my wife’s recent hospital visit, my baby boy soon to come on the way. Before these, I was satisfied with being lukewarm. I was satisfied with monotony and regularity.
Being lukewarm is a strange thing. At times, I want to follow my instincts, my flesh and do whatever my body tells me to do. If I do, I am no greater than an animal and my decisions are no more moral. However, I lack the closeness to God that confirms in my soul that yes, there is a God and I am seeking him…I am in his will. Being lukewarm is agonizing and I can’t stand it.
But now, my soul hungers for more. I yearn to know the God that I have just barely started to truly love even more. I desire to push the boundaries of “religiousness” and move into fullness of life in Christ. I don’t care if people think I’m a freak. I see this book called the Bible and I have to ask myself. Is it really the truth that it talks about? After all, I can’t justify my faith upon another’s beliefs, I must seek God on my own. If the Bible is not truth, well then maybe I am left with doing a few good deeds for nothing, except the good that it may have caused others.
My friends say, “Rogie you are a purist”, “Rogie, I love God too”, “Rogie, you are a Bible thumper”, “Rogie, let it go, you are searching too hard”. The problem is, they don’t know either. They have shared no profound experience or firmly grounded faith to share with me, so I press on. I press on to know Jesus Christ even more than I have ever known. I must push to feel God, to see God work. I can’t help but ask myself, If I believe in an omnipotent God and this God is real, then what is it that seperates me from seeing his power, miracles and healing? I believe the answer is me. It’s my fault.
I am exactly what I want to be, regardless of my words. My faith is exactly where I want it. My acts of kindness, even if I want to do more, is precisely at the level that I have conciously placed it. I am what I am today because thats what I have decided.
I am tired of talk. I am tired of hearing myself say that I will change, that I will do more, that I will be kinder or help my fellow human more, that I will tell the Gospel of Christ and how it has changed my life to more people, etc. However cliche, talk is cheap and I believe the same is true to God. Talk is cheap to God. Judgement is cheap. Actions are what matters, and I believe that salvation is not by works, but by faith, however faith is not faith without the fruit of it, which is good works.
So long, I have been afraid, or better yet, I have been ashamed of telling my faith. I think my ashamedness was for a good reason too. I didn’t believe it truly inside until lately, when I look back and see how God has changed my life for the good. Now, I feel God’s spirit. I feel it within his believers and I love it. I am growing to a point where I am not ashamed of the Gospel of Christ.
I have never been the kind to impose my beliefs on others, but if you are reading this, realize that friends do not hold back what they believe to be true, even if it causes you upset. Also, realize that the world is full of misunderstandings, generalities, blanket-statments, and stereotypes. I almost didn’t follow Christianity because of a stereotype. I am glad I didn’t take that stereotype as truth and decided to follow on my own.
Can you maintain you’re resolve or is this inspiration due to your trip this weekend? I encourage you to seek God.
Question what we’ve been forced to only see through the eyes of conformity and others. I’m happy that you can question what truth is and you want to discern that for yourself.
I’m guilty of calling you a bible thumper. It was never my intent to question your faith or to mock God; more of your bind faith in the Bible. You know I believe in and love God, but I feel constricted and confused by what truth is and what is not. Are church dogmas only tools to placate and subdue the masses to maintain society
Hmmm, I don’t know you really well but I wouldn’t have pegged you as religious. I hope you find whatever you are looking for .
@John: Religion to me is something quite different than Christianity. Religion is stifling. Religion is law-based. Religion is the opposite of freedome. To me Christianity is freedom, freedom from sin, freedom from legalism, freedom in Christ, freedom to live fullness of life, freedom from the addictions of this world that drag us down.
@Ed: I think the greatest thing I can do is search and share what I have found with others. You may not accept it, but honesty, not being imposing is most important.
Ah, It is nice to randomly stumble upon somone who shares a passion for christ and an understanding of the atrocities religion has bestowed on the christian faith. Its all about Jesus!
Well, maybe it wasn’t random ;-)
Glad to see you are growing my friend. And yes, a true friend will tell you the truth, and in the truth is true freedom.
- Ben McNelly
Great work.
I have been going through a lot of the same struggles in faith myself over the last year. I think its really cool you had the inner strength to put this posting up. The world can definitely be a hard place when it comes to faith, and there are to many people who don’t understand what it is truly about. Good Luck in your journey.
God Bless!
@Alex: Thanks for the kind words. Good to know people are going through something similar.
@Ben: It is all about Jesus, you rule….actually he does….er…nm.
@John: I truly believe I have found what I am looking for. Its just a matter of giving myself and being sold out to him :)
Good luck man! I am pretty sure that when you meet the big guy upstairs, you will realize that it was all about the journey. Keep the sails taught and your bow straight, and you will have a glorious trip! How can one find their way if they are not willing to search for it?
Rogie: That’s awesome man. Way to step out and share what’s on your heart, even if that does mean being a bit vulnerable.
Great post, Rogie. It is hard to live religously. To wonder how hypocritical you may seem if you act like so many others rather than to the standard your will strives towards.
Religion itself is difficult because it is so many things all at once. I am an orthodox Roman Catholic. I have had to fight so many perceptions of my religion in addition to fighting accusations of hypocracy and still striving to hear God’s whisper on the wind.
Being one with God’s will is the only true freedom. Seeking God’s will requires patience, listening and forgiveness of your own failures. Our world longs to be free. To express and act and think as they wish. That is the rub. Individuals acting as they wish appear free, but truly inhibit their own freedom. Individuals living with God appear not to be free, but truly are.
Religion was meant to be Christ’s gift to us that would augment the Holy Spirit and provide us guidance to find that freedom. But humans within religion frequently fail, be they Popes or Pastors, leaving religion like an unfinished map that can only be finished by faith and listening for the whisper on the wind.
Remember, when the Apostles were scared during the storm on the Galilee and woke Christ in a panic, Christ looked Peter directly in the eye and said, ‘Have you no faith?’. Do not purposely put yourself in a storm, but finding yourself there live with the faith that burns within you. This world is definitely a storm for those who love God with full abandon.
Peace in Christ - and thanks for making time to talk with me about God!
Wow. It’s interesting to read my words from 2 years ago. It makes me realize how little I’ve changed and how I need to seek the king so much more.
Hi Rogie,
For what’s it’s worth, I see your work and I’m reminded of what Eric Liddell (Chariots of Fire) said, “I believe God made me for a purpose, but he also made me fast. And when I run I feel His pleasure.”
It’s obvious to me that your work reflects your sense of Gods pleasure. You are in communion with God - but maybe it’s not always the way you think it “should” be.
I offer you my encouragement as you seek His path. Best of luck and thanks for posting this.
@Jeff That comment means a lot to me. What a great statement. I struggle with doing work that is not “ministry” and it is nice to know that the work that I am not doing directly with people is reflecting the King’s greatness. I only hope that my life reflects his glory more…
It was so good to read your posting,,
I’m in SouthKorea. I’m Korean. 27years old :) Although you are so far form here, I can feel your heart in your posting.
God will be with you all the time.